One of the things that I get asked many times here in Portugal is:
‘Why did you decide to have a 3rd? You aready had 2, was that not enough? ‘
Well … The answer is no.
From a very early age, when I was just a little girl playing ‘Make believe’ , I always wanted to have 3 children. I do not remember specifically if I wanted boys or girls. But the truth is that I’ve always found boys so great, perhaps because of my younger brother.
After having my M, that´s when I really wanted a boy next. When I found out that my Z was a girl, I confess, I was a little sad for a moment (Yes, that is allowed and does not make us bad mothers!) This because I thought we were done. My husband H told me as soon as we had M that he wanted 2 kids, no more.
After I had come to the conclusion that that was his life plan, I was sad.
I was sad because the whole idea of the three children died there for me, I had to respect my partners wishes.
A few months went by, months turned to a year and then a few more months went by. During this time there were a few moments that I ‘suffered’ in silence.
We were happy the 4 of us. Me, H, M and Z. We were happy and adapting to life together as a family. But like song that you can´t get out of your head, I was often reminded of someone else that I felt I should be there.
The first few times I spoke to someone, namely my older sister and my friends at our ladies night dinners (You know, where are we go to forget about the kids, husbands and worries of everyday life, but then we end up not talking about anything else) I felt that no one was aware of what I felt. They understood in theory, yes. But they did not fathom the feeling inside me.
I was grieving. Grieving for a child that always existed in my head and in my heart but that would not exist in our lives. After a while I decided to go back and talk to my husband. I was nervous and made a lot of jokes. There were even silly Xbox negotiations until I had the guts and I explained to him what I was feeling. And he, as my best friend and knower of my soul, said: OK.
OK? That´s it? Okay? I know perfectly well that it was not for nothing that I could buy him that he agreed to embark on this adventure with me, it was because he heard me. And although he did not understand my feeling of missing a piece in our puzzle, he embarked on this voyage that is the current chaos in our lives.
And here we are with our final piece of the puzzle. Another girl! Our beautiful and perfect S, who came to complete our lives. I could not imagine it any other way than my 3 beautiful girls.
So when they ask me: ‘Why did you decide to have a 3rd? You aready had 2, was that not enough? ‘
I say: “Because she was destined to exist.”
Destined to join my Tribe.